Why President Trump Will Be Much Happier as the Leader of Vietnam

President Donald Trump is coming to Vietnam on an official visit for the APEC meetings from November 10-11. He could have been in this country much sooner had he not avoided the draft during the Vietnam War.

I am not sure President Trump knows where Vietnam exactly is on the map (which is quite usual for a lot of foreigners), but he will certainly fall in love with the country when he comes here this time, especially after hearing what I am about to disclose.

Let me take this opportunity to send him a few words of regards and explain to him why I think so.

But before I forget, let’s start with the same premise: one must be a member of the Communist Party of Vietnam to become the country’s leader.

1. Forget about the Democrats: They are already extinct.

The last time Vietnamese people saw a glimpse of a “democrat” was back in … 1988, when the fake Democratic party (yeah, we had such things back then – they were basically puppets formed by the communists themselves) disbanded under the order of the Communist Party. Basically, President Trump, you and your chosen party will enjoy absolute power here.

The Vietnam’s Constitution clearly states that the Communist Party is the force which leads both the government and society. In fact, it is the only one ruling the country.

So, no worries about the opposition. You’re far, far away from Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Nancy Pelosi. You will win every election, and win big. When I say “big”, that means more than 90% of the popular votes where every single eligible adult in the country will vote, not just the “landslide victory” last year in the U.S.

2. You have the entire Congress in your party’s hand, not just a simple majority.

There is no need to battle with anyone in Congress. “Repeal and Replace” could be done very easily, right then and there. As well as the tax bill. And the annual budget bill. Basically, everything and anything.

Congressional hearings are extremely rare for top leaders like you. Your cabinet members may be questioned by Congress, but in general, no one would throw stones in their faces like how the Democrats treat you, your staff, and the Republicans. Congress is also more laid back, as they only meet twice a year, each time for one month.

How could Vietnam achieve such harmony between the Executive branch and the Legislative branch?

Just imagine your Republican fellows occupy 95% of the seats in Congress and the remaining 5% are all your friends and good friends. This is because our unique election laws were designed to prevent non-communist candidates from running right from the first place. Nobody else but communist members and their close allies can go pass the three rounds of pre-election vetting, which of course are held by the communist-organized body called the Fatherland Front (such patriotic name, you will love it!).

3. You don’t have to deal with the media because independent news does not exist.

I know the media in the States is extremely annoying, and they just never leave you alone. Here in Vietnam, you are untouchable. What does that mean? It means you can do whatever and say whatever, not a single journalist dares to criticize you.

Heaven on Earth! Why is that?

Because you and your party control the entire media. So, there is no CNN, no Washington Post, no New York Times, leave alone Stephen Colbert and Trevor Noah. Only Fox News, Breitbart and the likes are allowed. Not only that, those that are allowed must also report news as they were ordered by you and your party. Imagine, even Steven Colbert must listen to and follow every word of yours! That’s true respect, isn’t it?

Some crazy leftists at organizations like Freedom House and Reporters Without Borders may put your country at the bottom of the Press Freedom Index, but who cares, right?

4. Just in case anyone criticizes you, you can always lock them up, for years.

We have already put thousands of dissidents in jail already. In the past, we even made them…disappeared.

Really, if you find anyone who writes some short statement about you on Facebook or Twitter that annoys you, then your police can come and arrest such person right away, then put him/her in jail for, says two years or more without trials. The courts – which totally under your direct control – could also sentence a lawyer to seven years of imprisonment if he dares to sue you. Or, they could put another lawyer who always criticizes you (imagine the ACLU and their lawyers, I know how much you hate them) in prison for five years because…he has criticized you.

You often feel frustrated that it takes forever to lock up that woman, right? In Vietnam, we recently locked up a woman whom the government does not like very much in June – a female pro-democracy blogger called Mother Mushroom – for ten full years after a day of trial, sweet and simple. (By the way, your wife, Melania, gave Mother Mushroom the Women of Courage award earlier this year, though. So, I thought you would want to check with her on this, just to be safe.)

5. There is no court that would stop you from issuing or enforcing executive orders.

This is an interesting part. Of course, you must be very upset with those federal courts issuing restraining orders on your travel bans one after another. In fact, you also know that you must deal with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, and others at some points. Furthermore, you cannot be certain whether Neil Gorsuch may turn his back on you one day and side with those leftists all the way on issues like abortion and affirmative action cases.

But, here in Vietnam, every single judge will be your party’s members (I mean the “sworn allegiance to” kind of members, not just registered voters), and they will always obey your party’s rules from the top down. That means whatever is your call, they will follow. No questions asked!

The so-called “judicial review” also does not exist in our country. A lot of executive orders and legal documents are clearly unconstitutional, but no one gives a damn. Let me give you an example.

Four years ago, our Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung signed two decrees, 72 and 174, regulating that criticizing the government on the Internet was prohibited and could be fined up to $4,700 USD (about twice the average annual income for a Vietnamese). Those two decrees were not only unconstitutional, but also directly contradicting international human rights law, and were widely condemned by the international community, including your country back then. But so far, no one had been able to challenge them in any court in Vietnam because simply put, our judicial system was set up in such a way that such efforts would be futile from the beginning: no courts will accept those filings. Problems solved.

6. The term “special prosecutor” is non-existent and will never come into existence.

Investigating our country’s top leaders is absolutely impossible. In fact, none of them has been in such situation since the Communist Party took power in 1945.

You would love this fact: Vietnamese prosecutors cannot investigate any communist member without the party’s permission. Thus, it is outright prohibited! Nobody is going to thumb their nose into your and your family’s business.

There is no Robert Mueller here, believe me. Never.

7. Tax returns? They are there, but rules don’t apply to you.

In Vietnam, everyone knows our leaders are rich. Maybe some of them are even as rich as you are. But no one knows exactly how rich they are, and no one dares to ask them to show their tax returns.

We have a huge (I mean really, bigly huge) problem with transparency. Another left-wing (perhaps fake?) organization called Transparency International ranks Vietnam at 113/176 on their Corruption Perceptions Index in 2016 with only 33/100 scores. But that’s a good thing for you, right?

If you are the top leader in Vietnam, you don’t have to bother with the media complaining about your frequent flights to Mar-a-Largo or how much money you have made off your presidency because no one will have the guts to ask. And those who do, you can just put them in jail. What a life!

8. Last, but not least: Endless golfing.  

This, nevertheless, is as important as anything I have mentioned above. You love golf, and we, the Vietnamese, do too. We basically have golf courses popping up at every single corner across our country. And, you can play golf as much as you want, just remember to not disappear for too long during your term. The public doesn’t even know you go play golf, let alone complain about it – because there is no “fake news” here to report on that, only your news, remember?

Is this the vision of the great country that you have been talking about, or perhaps, maybe dreaming of?

Then, President Trump, welcome to Vietnam!